Recreated from my calendar with comments based on whimsy and memory...

Thurs 20th Dec - moonvoice came over! She helped me immeasurably with books and book decisions. Incidentally if you would be interested in my book collection on sale for $5 each, let me know :) (Of particular note is a bunch of older SF that I now have in ebook, like CJ Cherryh and others). Time with P is as always, glorious and given the task I was undertaking, she was incredibly supportive and so magical organising and decision making happened!!

( surprisingly in chronological order...Collapse )

As you may have noticed, I've been exceedingly busy! Between that and the heat, explains why I've been writing so little, despite not working. I have things I want to write! I promise!

The good thing about the busyness, is that I am at least feeling as though I will have gotten a chance to catch up with a whole lot of friends over the past month, even if I don't manage *everyone* before I leave.

I am no closer to working out what to do or where to have a farewell gathering. I favour something like a picnic given the flexibility and low budget strain, but it's Summer and I find the heat debilitating, as do others I'd be hoping to catch up with. I could do something in the evening and that may circumvent the worst of the weather, especially if I have unexpected good fortune in choosing a day that randomly ends up not being heinously hot.... I am open to suggestions here. Central is also desirable for public transport purposes.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/878007.html

Where am I? home under a wet towel in front of the fan Feeling... hot Compelled listening... nil Define... # books, breakfast, connectionism, dot points, love, melbourne, movies, sharing, social, update

Tonight I indulged myself in revisiting my joyful childhood memories of Carols by Candlelight.

Dear friends came with me, we picnicked and dilettantiquity sang with me (and it turns out that we share a number of favourites).

I find the heavy religious overtones of the songs themselves gets to me, but, I love the being with people, happy, singing and celebrating. I can ignore the bits of the songs I dislike for that.

The fireworks were also very cool :)

I don't have that many memories of childhood, I don't have that many that are positive, but... I do remember going to Carols most years and it was just the *best* thing, I loved it so much.

So glad I went tonight, so glad friends came with me and enjoyed themselves (in some cases despite the carols themselves). Tiny things and moments shared, I am grateful.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/877495.html

Where am I? home Feeling... happy Compelled listening... nil Define... # carols by candlelight, christmas, friends, sharing, social

I've blogged over at The Conversationalist about completing the Australian Women Writers Challenge 2012!

I loved the challenge and participating as part of the community, and that there was for the whole year, discussion of women writers and particularly Australian ones.

I'm so looking forward to the challenge in 2013!

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/877063.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... Oh My God - Pink (feat. Peaches) Define... # achievement

One unit, each semester. I have to call them and get them to agree that the politics unit I'm doing should be counted toward my degree because they've cancelled my one final core unit. I don't anticipate that being a problem.

Pickings were thin for interesting units and I can really see that Murdoch is unlikely to be an institution that I will fit into for any continuing study. There were only a couple of choices for sociology units, there's a massively cut down selection of media, communication and culture units - focusing mostly on media, and those are the closest relative units for my degree so, feeling quite sad about that.

Still, I'll be done soon and can then make choices about post grad options. End of this year I'll have my BA in Gender and Cultural Studies, minoring in Ethics and Mass Communication.

Semester One

Sex and Gender Matters

(This is the politics unit)

This unit critically engages with a range of perspectives and debates on sex and gender - and why these matter for life, happiness and social justice. Topics covered will include: the personal as political; bodies and representation; hegemonic masculinities; women and nature; gender and war; sex and identity; affirmative action; global gender justice. Students have the opportunity to research topics of their own interest and to translate their findings into recommendations for action.

Semester Two

Media and Globalisation

This unit surveys contemporary issues arising from the internationalisation of mass communication. It introduces key theories of globalisation, corporation, concentration and conglomeration, convergence, and media/cultural imperialism. Students will undertake case studies that examine a range of topics including the advent of 24/7 news and development of regional/global media hubs. Students will be tasked to think critically about the global mediascape and develop a deeper understanding of the rapidly changing media and creative industries around the world.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/876556.html

Where am I? home Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... nil Define... # university

Happy Birthday moonvoice!!! Wishing you wonderful things for the year to come!

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/876441.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... nil Define... # birthday messages

I'm sitting here and it's the first night that I've really missed Ral, missed him like *knowing* he's half a continent away and not just a few suburbs over and busy. It's not a bad feeling, this missingness... it's just there, it's a little bit painful in my heart and my eyes are almost leaky... I smile a little bit harder when he messages me, especially when he says he's missing me too... or I find out that he's worked out the trams from Brunswick (where I want to live in Melbs) to where he might end up living... little things.

I'm also experiencing Hipikat like a constant pillowy hug of the very best kind. He's been the kind of amazing that kind of lacks words. It's how he's held me and let me just be in his space, even when he needed it himself because he wanted to be there for me, and he understood my sadness. He'll tell me that he's thinking of me, which given all the stress he's dealing with amazes me, and touches me, and instantly reminds me of the pillowy hugs. Reminds me of nights where he's curled up in my arms and I'm reading a chapter of 'The Silver Brumby' to him. Reminds me of love really, loving and being loved.

My calendar is also reminding me of an anniversary of a sort - I mark interesting/notable/milestones/goals/moments in a private calendar which is filled with perpetual yearly reminders. Today's reminder is also one that marks love - the acting on it for the first time. And it's a bitter sweet memory from a past relationship. Sweet because I recall this past self so nervous and excited, so delighted and overwhelmingly pleased when everything was amazing... and soured, bitter because it's hard to hold onto that experience of things knowing what I know of how things played out. Abandonment colours the history of things however much I might try to avoid that.

So my mind is filled with love, and almost entirely positive things - and even my sadness is thrown into stark relief by the sheer experience of knowing I am loved. And right now I'm only focusing on a fraction of my constellation, but expanding my view, I am even more certain and that experience of love is even more tangible.

I am missing Ral... and in turn I know he's missing me too. He's counting down to see me again as much as I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I'm looking forward to us going away for a few days together, just the two of us when I move, reconnection and reaffirmation. Especially since the transition to leaving wasn't as smooth as I'd hoped or planned for. And from the leaving hours, I'm grateful especially to Fox for his kindness and understanding.

Hipikat is anxious and feeling the weight of All The Things, and yet... still makes space and time for me and wishes me in his space. Tells me things and shares with me, invites me in and I'm reassured and cheered by the gentleness and certainty of that sharing with me, that certainty of connection.

Whatever the moments of my sadness, it is outweighed by love. By connection chosen and affirmed and treasured as I treasure such in turn. That knowledge, that is worth my sadness and leaves me smiling softly instead.

Never in my life have I been so intrinsically certain of how very much I am loved, and how very much and deeply I love. Moments like this are crystal clarity for who I am in the world, who I am in my life with others.

At this moment, I can only smile.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/875946.html

Where am I? home Feeling... loving and loved Compelled listening... "Super Honeymoon" - Owl City Define... # amazing people, daniel, love, memories, moments, relationships, sharing, transcendence

* Catch up on google reader before it spirals out of control (+144 posts, totally doable in an hour or two)

* Blog filtered birthday week post

* Blog something, anything at The Conversationalist, but needs to be thinky and sharing and so on...

* Blog an update on my theme, aka the transitioning post between Renewal for 2012 and the unknown that is 2013's theme...

* Read the tabs on my browser I've been meaning to get to

* Write AWW challenge reviews and add them to the list.

There's more, I'm sure... but that's a start.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/875683.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # internet, sharing, to do list

It's been an intense week... few weeks. I think I've definitely hit the point of needing some fluff and lightness of contact and company, as well as quiet decompression time.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/875330.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # note to self, sharing

And then... at least part of my tax dilemma has been solved (I am still confused), but it seems I'd only received a partial return, so more should come through today but I'm not sure if there's any more yet to come...

That said, regardless, I am now eleventy million times less stressed about moving in January again.

So glad.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/875083.html

Where am I? Hipikat's bedroom Feeling... thankful Define... # relief

* I've farewelled Ral and Fox to Melbourne, not without tears because... time to spend was in *very* short supply before they left.

* Lots of tears, still feeling a bit drained from the intensity of the onset (timing was unintentionally awful and I didn't get a sense of transitioning to goodbye, so I crashed hard).

* Comfort and cuddles and distraction from Hipikat because he is just... amazing. So much love.

* Spa has helped pain levels, but omg!pain ow this week :c

* Coffee and breakfast with wonderful people, multiple instances!!

* Calli, just being amazing.

* Feeling a little flat today, likely more pain than anything. Also, heat. Summer, I dislike you so much!

* Swinging between wanting quiet time alone, or time in company. By company I mostly mean my intimates, my energies are low and they are well filling type people.

* Have made one phone call about tax return, need to follow up.

* Have had one promising phonecall about job possibility, but have heard nothing back yet - suspect my lack of SAP experience will let me down for it, but I have everything else in spades. We'll see. Still pursuing short term job stuff here in Perth.

* Moving... want to move January, dependent on tax related things given current joblessness. Current plan is to drive my car there with Samvara because, wow adventure also, attached to car, plus, always wanted to and finally, probably easiest way to figure out what I really want to take or not...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/874942.html

Where am I? Hipikat's bedroom Feeling... flat Compelled listening... nil Define... # sharing, update

I had an amazing birthday week, there was so much loveliness and love and perfect moments throughout.

Some of the highlights edited for general consumption :P

* Family dinner night on Monday, Jack and I had 'Family Dinner Birthday Edition', we had local Chinese, birthday cake and Calli, Chesh, Calli's parents, Vinnie, Jack, Willowgypsy, Leachim, PRK, Amarillion, K', and Cam were there. Such a small thing and yet, really wonderful... a perfect night with a whole bunch of people I love dearly.

* Tuesday, dinner and quality time with Hipikat and Ral, we went to Bibik Chan's and I managed to present a rose wine that Ral didn't hate :P Spa and snuggles and just... perfection. I don't get much opportunity to enjoy spending time with more than one of my partners at any given time... so this was just... beyond words incredible that it happened. Both Hipikat and Ral went out of their way to make sure I felt special and loved and spoiled for my birthday.

* Wednesday, began with Ral taking me home to his place and finally making good on a six months old promise to make me eggs benedict. From scratch hollandaise sauce and everything... so perfectly done it was *amazing* and well worth the wait. I'm good at cooking, good at breakfast and eggs... but this man's eggs are simply the best I've ever had. Between the eggs benedict and the scrambled eggs he's made me, I'm certain of it.

Then after spending the aftenroon relaxing in a bath and reading it was my first 'official' date with the new lady in my life. We spent the evening swooning over one another and *very* distracted by one another. She took me up to Kalamunda where she lives for amazing foods which, we were so distracted by one another that we forgot to pay for at first and apologetically went back to fix :P Restaurant was amused given they'd been watching us be ridiculous about one another the whole night.

This connection is... hard to describe in words that aren't overly effusive and over the top. Jiva and I recognise something in one another that is home, solace and sanctuary... we understand something about how we each are in the world better than others have been able to... we are very different in certain ways and so very similar in others. She can see right through me, and I her. We're terrified but enamoured and true to fashion for both us, running with it and we'll work out why the connection feels so deep and established despite the tiny time we've known each other later... right now we're just so surprised and gladdened to have found one another.

It was a perfect night, this first time we've gotten to spend any time at length alone with one another, just being together and sharing ourselves, finding the depths of where our connection already has found itself - it's like a treasure hunt, like it already exists and waits for us to find the trails and knowingness... we simply have to trust and leap head first.

* Thursday, aftermath of our date, we slept late and went to hunt breakfast, eventually finding it in East Perth at Toast - which conveniently serves breakfast till 7pm :P We made Ral come too and for the second time that week I got to revel in being in the company of more than one of my partners, just enjoying the company and seeing them get to know one another, sharing themselves and smiling at me, loving eyes and holding hands and tiny kisses.... all the tiny romantic things.

I drove myself home in my car with Ral and offered to cook for him so he'd have lunch, but he ended up cooking instead and made the most delicious satay tofu, it was nice to share the kitchen space with him and just enjoying being in his company... almost ordinary instead of a date :) He went to work and I got to have some much needed alone decompression time.

* Friday was quiet, more decompression and processing all the feelings, all the intensity. Then to Friday night for my birthday edition, awesome food and company, just being surrounded by people I love so dearly... it was brilliant. I am blessed by the incredible quality of friendship and love in my life... by Friday I was quite overwhelmed with the sincere and crystal understanding of it... I'm still there. It defies words.

Ascetic_Hedony was wonderful and dropped me off in East Perth for Ral and Fox's going away party - it was heaps of fun, these people are delightful and I've relished the chance to get to know them over the course of the year.

Ral proposed to Fox in a lovely heartfelt speech, and it took everyone, especially Fox by surprise - Fox officially can blush to his toes and is equal to me in this very specific talent now :P It was perfect and I'm so very pleased, Ral confided in me and I had the privilege of helping him select the perfect engagement rings... I'm so overwhelmed with love for them both, and it's such different love between them. I'm *in love* with Ral, he's part of my life and heart... and Fox is... the partner of my partner and so very dear to me.

When I congratulated Fox, he hugged me close and said that he was sorry for being so hard to put up with and I had to cuddle him close and point out that it was my privilege to have him in my life, that he's been amazing throughout the hardness... he's been through *so* much and has come so very far and taken on so many unexpected things. No one has impressed me more in this sense. He continues to amaze me in the ways he grows and becomes better at understanding and performing spacemaking. I value it deeply. I will miss both of them so very dearly. They've been a huge part of this year for me and I can't quite believe that they'll be gone...

* Saturday was picnic day! It was wonderful that the weather held, lovely people turned up and there was casual conversation and lounging, wine and baby cuddles, puppy cuddles and antics... all so very pleasant! A perfect way to end the celebration week, it was low key and involved a bunch of people catch ups that I'd been hoping for and really enjoyed.

Turning 32 has been thoroughly celebrated! I hope that I've locked in all the goodness for an amazing year to come...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/874583.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "Nirvana" - Adam Lambert Define... # amazing friends, birthday, celebration, family, love, relationships, sensual overload, sharing, transcendence

I still don't have the words. Or rather, maybe I'm just embarrassed to share? Definitely possible.

I *am* exhausted lately though - so very busy! So much to do! So many wonderful people to spend time with!

This week's priority is Ral and Fox, as they leave next week. In particular I am hoping to soak up a bunch of quality time with Ral so that I can weather the next couple of months without seeing him.

On the one hand, I'm good at anticipatory torment, on the other... it's been deeply wonderful to have a partner who I just get to spend time with and enjoy and grow with. I will miss that, even if it is only temporary.

Things I spent too long standing up to do tonight:

* cooked a mini roast lamb and had some of it with salad for dinner
* made the rest into sandwiches for freezing for future lunches
* made a blue cheese and mushroom pasta sauce
* cooked pasta for tomorrow's lunch
* did two lots of dishes.

And now, my hips and feet ache :c

I really will write about birthday things soon... maybe even tonight, but I think I need to read or play a game or something first. Interacting is all a bit hard right now. Oddness.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/874013.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # cookery, love, melbourne, sharing, update

But in short...

Last week's birthday week was one of the best birthdays, the best weeks of my life. For several reasons.

But how do I describe it without the words all smearing together unpleasantly? How do I share the depth of what it has meant to me and how I am changed... how do I speak to the love and how do I convey understanding? I am not sure I can.

But I will try.... soon.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/873940.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... nil Define... # sharing, thoughtful, wordless

No promises for coherency, just dot points.

( cut for length and coherencyCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/873498.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... exhausted Compelled listening... nil Define... # dot points, love, melbourne, relationships, social, unexpected, university, update, work

This website rocks:

http://emergencycompliment.com/#

And for all of you having a bit of an awful time, I hope it gives you a momentary smile.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/873098.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # compliments

Mostly it's involved being social, and in particular being social and going to parties.

So, I shall try to catch you up - it's not really a chicken post, most everything has been awesome and the things that are more difficult are singular, not really unexpected even if confronting and I am not ready to talk about it publicly yet.

( cut for obvious lengthCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/872879.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... nil Define... # driving, love, melbourne, parties, social, update

It is far too late to update now, but an awesome weekend was had!

* Play, first 2/3 were awesome, last third left me disappointed and feeling betrayed.
* wine, friends, loveliness
* more wine, spa, snuggles, awesomeness
* breakfast with Hipikat <3
* bath *blissful*
* PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH AWESOME!!!!!!!!!
* party, fun, loud, snuggles
* home to Hipikat and Wolfa, more snuggles and much purrryness
* sleeping in, snuggles, more breakfast loveliness with Hipikat
* hanging out with friends, meeting a new baby, who slept on me for ages, quiet and quality time with baby's Mum, which was unexpected and lovely.
* lost Monopoly to Ral at the Boardgame cafe
* lots of driving, even in the stormy weather, performed well
* home and Kyras came over for snuggles and to pet me because I was feeling a little sad

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/872455.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # dot points, update

Greetings lovely friends,

It are my birthday coming up! One of the events I am planning is a picnic and you are invited!

Details:

Date: Saturday 24th November.
Time: Approximately 2pm - 6pm
Location: Hyde Park, on the Glendower St side, near the playground. (I doubt I'll be hard to find).

Please feel free to stop by and hang out for a while, your family and loved ones are invited, as are any cool people you'd like me to meet!

Bring your preferred picnic fare, I believe there are bbqs as well if you wish.

I wanted to do something gentle and easy commitment wise in the hope that it would work for a whole lot of my friends :) Also something relaxing, family friendly, and not expensive.

Clearly, this called for a picnic!

My plan is to lounge around for the afternoon, eat food, drink drinks and enjoy life! I'm looking forward to just spending time - appreciating my lovely friends and marking the occasion that I'm here in the world doing my thing, 32 years on.

Feel free to give me an indication that you're planning on coming, but it's by no means necessary :)

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/872204.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... ecstatic Compelled listening... nil Define... # birthday, celebration

But the weekend was amazing! I will try and write about that soon :)

In the mean time, I tripped and fell and blogged over at The Conversationalist on the importance or value of having a 'grand narrative' - like that burning thing that you want to make better in the world.

Hold Tight Your Grand Narrative.


Weekend in dot points:

Friday
* Reclaim the Night March - everyone was welcome and I loved the diversity. Felt empowered.
* Party of awesome, one of my favourites this year.
* One of those conversations you can't quite believe you had with someone who amazes you.
* Spa fun.

Saturday
* Not nearly enough sleep!
* Breakfast (almost) with flyingblogspot and Mr Cat.
* Massage of brilliance at Glamour Day Spa (Lauren rocks).
* Catchups with M over from the US!! Unexpected and *awesome*.
* Family dinner, children's antics.
* Party, I was a zombie but still glad to go out with callistra, seeing her have an awesome time, was totally worth it.

Sunday
* Slept through till almost midday
* Did housework!
* Finished assignment and handed it in early!
* Minecraft
* Pizza for dinner.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/872151.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... exhausted Compelled listening... nil Define... # adulthood, amazing conversations, amazing friends, dot points, love, sharing, social, weekend

It's Monday and I'm chirpy and ready to chicken. Last week was just overall a really good week.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead.

( Chickening beneath the cutCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/871690.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... bouncy Compelled listening... nil Define... # cookery, driving, gamer girl, love, making a difference, reflection, relationships, sharing, social

There are so many reasons why this song and clip from K-Pop band Big Bang appeals to me, not the least of which is all the pretty and it's all with so much flair. Prettyness the way I like it but with lots of awesomely masculinity pull and I suspect it's because it's personal presentation oriented that I'm drawn to it so strongly...

In any case, enjoy Big Bang's 'Fantastic Baby':



This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/871228.html

Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "Fever Dream" - Iron and Wine Define... # music, recs, sharing

I'm writing at a point where I'm feeling a bit done with the weekend. It's been great and I've really enjoyed it, but I'm so ready for more human contact by this point. The only thing I'd change is some kind of reality where my boyfriend or my lover could have come and spent even a fraction of the weekend with me. Overall the week has been kind of awesome, especially on the work front.

Also, I crashed so hard Sunday night this didn't get finished, and Monday was a bit the same, so now this is a Tuesday morning affair...

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead.

( Chickening beneath the cutCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/870928.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "Fourth Floor" - The Waifs Define... # amazing friends, cooking, driving, house stuff, love, pain, puppy, relationships, sharing, social

I spent the weekend at Pembercon, an annual getaway that some of the Perth furs undertake, unsurprisingly to Pemberton. I had a wonderful time! It was what I really needed in several ways and I’ve come back feeling relaxed, rejuvenated and like I am through the worst of the burnout processing. And if that’s true (and I’ve no reason to think otherwise), it will have been a short, sharp and unpleasant spike of burnout, and I can’t help but be grateful for the fact that it seems to have been short lived. I have so much that I want to do! I don’t want to be mired in the lowness that is recovery from burnout and so on.

Thoughts and highlights about the weekend…

It’s the first real ‘furry event’ I’ve consciously been to where my mindset has been in the space of exploring and enjoying myself in this space. I really enjoyed it in this way and I continue to feel like I am more connected to and clear about my furry self as an extension and slightly alternate version of self that is not really separate but where there is some kind of separation that occurs between the edges of what is available and possible in reality and not. This is a little different to other identity markers that are important to me as they all sink into the depths of my skin and sense of self, not at all separate… my furryness demands a slightly different experience and it’s one I’m still thinking my way through. I notice, that there are aspects of my self experience that I am vastly more comfortable with than ever before and that in a furry (friendly) space, and it is nice to enjoy that without feeling at all odd or out of place or worried about acceptance. It was nice to revel in being my kitty self in a way that was just pure delight and enjoyment.

I got to meet one of the furs who used to live in Perth and with whom Ral thought I might have a lot in common. I appreciated Bast a lot, especially his forthrightness, and the discussions – there were many discussions and there was so much to enjoy about them. Lots of crunchy feminist discussion and things to think about and having my points be considered seriously and my credibility in the discussions respected.

Kyras was awesome in so many ways! He kindly let me share his tent and he’s one of those people who likes to organise things ‘just so’. It was wonderful to reap the benefits of going camping with someone like that, as opposed to *being* the person who generally does a lot of the organising. All I did was make a few references to personal preferences, and admired the coolness of the stuff he’d organised or sourced and provide my share of the funds for petrol and food etc. He’s also someone whom I feel very physically comfortable with and so is a perfect sleeping/snuggling companion. Especially when it is cold overnight and omg it was so cold! He was also kind enough to not blame me for my blanket stealing tendencies, or that we effectively slept on half the air mattress because it was cold enough that I was gravitating toward his warmth (he was the output of heat in this instance, not me, for all of you who’ve noted my heat production ability before). Everything was easy and I could just relax and enjoy it. I would have done some things differently – but the luxury of not having to organise anything is, I just didn’t care about that :P I loved just being able to enjoy myself and appreciate the effort that he, Ral and Fox had put in.

The dune!! I’m reliably informed that my experience of ‘small mountain’ and others’ is vastly different so I will redact my description that I have been using, and instead describe this dune in Pemberton as a hill, made entirely of sand that is incredibly steep and hard to climb. But climb it I did! And this is despite the fact that I’d spent most of the past week with considerable hip/lower back pain. I did experience a lot of pain in doing it though, but I am so proud that I did it and got to sit on top of it and look at the view – the dune itself seemed to go in three directions as far as I could see, the view over into the forest and surrounding lakes was amazing – it was from this direction we’d walked from the cars. It was a pretty amazing and seemingly random natural phenomenon to see. The downside was pain means that I move more slowly and I had the sense of embarrassment and self consciousness associated with that, including half the group leaving half of us behind, and even the slightly slower people… on the walk to and from the dune, one person essentially kept me company the whole way. The sense of being left behind/rushed was one of the few downsides of the trip and only came from a couple of the people and it was less about me personally and more about mediating the other half of the group’s preference for a more relaxed pace.

Camp cooking, always hit and miss and this time was no exception. Incredibly spicy camp nachos – but so tasty too! This time I’d been forearmed about the likelihood of something being too spicy and had insisted on yoghurt being brought. I am a smart person. Bast made mapo tofu using Szechwan pepper and it was *amazing*, and Fairbank did brilliant fire baked potatoes that I got to enjoy too. We also had an amazing cheese platter! I didn’t do much of the cooking, but I’m going to poke Ral for next time so that I can.

Other things which made my camping experience awesome included, my headlamp, my buff, my beanie, gin and tonic, wine, baby wipes and being brave about the drop toilets (they’ve come so very far from what I remember as a child and yet… omg they are still so unpleasant too…).

The second day where we were heading home was actually more relaxing and fun for me, as those who were more inclined to rush and dominate the agenda headed straight home. And it was Kyras, Ral, Fox, Bast and I who went to a couple of wineries, including having lunch at the Truffle Company winery – and omg the food was amazing! We all ordered food that was in some way enhanced by truffles and it was a true pleasure palate experience – we all tasted each other’s meals and wow. I had a smoked chicken platter that had a truffle paste, a duck liver pate, brie infused with truffle and a salad with truffled aioli dressing. There was duck breast with truffle mash, chicken filo parcel with truffle mash and truffled brie, a confit pork chop that had been infused with truffles, and a truffle and mushroom fettuccine that was truly divine. We couldn’t quite manage to fit in dessert but I am still curious as to the taste of the truffle ice cream.

One of the other highlights was just being able to spend time with Ral and Fox, it was really low key because we were all hanging out with the others too. But I got to spend some quality time with Fox and there were hugs and talks that meant an incredible amount to me and they continue to enhance my experience of things having massively shifted. I also enjoyed getting to be smooch and adorable with Ral – he was the same and as an experience it hits all my happy places! I enjoy the way we interact and react to one another, I love the effect we have on one another and that it is so incredibly mutual means that I am unsurprised by the fact that it just keeps getting better.

My dislike of drop toilets aside, I really enjoy camping and it was wonderful to go again. I enjoyed myself so much! I love the dynamic camping with Ral, Fox and Kyras very much, there’s familiarity and ease there, but also a fairly strong alignment of interest in what we do together and such. That said, over the weekend I particularly missed Hipikat who’d been unable to make it, and I think it would have been more amazing again had he been able to come.

Yay camping and yay Pembercon!

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/870590.html

So things have been steadily improving all week - though it's been hard to notice that because I've bene dealing with the physical pain and it clouds all the rest of the things quite effectively.

But today the pain is much reduced so YAY! I even got a decent amount of sleep last night, though still waking - in part because of Orielle and her poor legs. But I didn't wake anxious at all which was *awesome*.

Today I've been super productive at work and that's helped my mood immensely as things have been very flat and boring and there just hasn't been much to do overall. Today things have been busy and I'm enjoying it.

This afternoon I head off to go camping with a bunch of Perth furs, and I'm really looking forward to it. A bunch of the people going are those I've made friends with and really enjoy the company of. I'm driving down with Kyras, Ral, and Fox and will hopefully get to share in the driving! I'm also sharing a tent and cuddle space with Kyras because he's lovely and it will give Ral, Fox and I enough space to enjoy feeling more comfortable again and relaxed again. No idea how the sleeping arrangements will actually end up but flexibility is ever my fall back plan :) Either way there will be cuddles.

I'm excited to visit Pemberton too, and to do the walking and relaxing and reading part of the trip. Kyras has over-specced our tent arrangements including providing the awesomeness of hot showers! He's also done most of the organising for our end of things and he's been magnificent at it - I'm so relaxed and admiring of his efforts, I haven't had to worry about anything - it's just been easy and I've needed that this week. I'm so grateful, I don't think Kyras really appreciates how grateful I am :P

Also, Fox did insurance searching for me! Now I just get to compare the results with him and pick one and hand someone money! This is absolutely what I wanted and I was struggling to face even just figuring what to search for. I don't know that Fox appreciates how stupidly grateful I am for this - for him it will have taken virtually no time at all and he already knows the things and understands them. It is nice to share this together too, to ask him for help and enjoy the positivity of that exchange.

Mostly I am all CAMPING WOOOOT! Kyras picks me up in half an hour or so and then I can shower and grab things and then we will just drive off into the afternoon! I'm so excited, I can't wait for the camp fire and camp cooking, star gazing and conversation. So excited!

Also in the vein of my delight in exploring furryness for myself I tripped and fell on some awesome clouded leopard bits and pieces (my furry self is a black clouded leopard), and I would also love to be able to do this research support at some stage when I can afford it - it looks amazing!

Sponsor a Camera Trap, it's a project for specialised research cameras to study the clouded leopards as they're incredibly shy and also similarly rare. You get photos from your camera! I think it is also likely that I'll trip and fall on the adoption of a Clouded Leopard at some stage too :P I'm really delighted and excited about this and am enjoying everything about my experience of my furry self. I've had some delightful conversations with Ral and Moonvoice about it too.

In short: today with less pain, better sleep, productivity and a great weekend to look forward to, I am doing much much better. I'm still dealing with the burnout and the stress, but today it feels so much more manageable.

I hope you all get to have a lovely weekend too! Hopefully this trip I'll take a bunch of pictures and even maybe post them!

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/870183.html

I'm in something of an odd, confused tailspin at the moment. I'm in the midst of recovering from burnout that I unexpectedly hit last week. And yet I keep looking around me going... but... things aren't that bad... how is it that I am here?

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So even though in the immediate, things are better; there is still a large amount of uncertainty in the months to come. And things are better, but it's baby steps. And then there's the processing all the hard from the months past... it doesn't happen immediately. I need to be patient.

But urgh... I don't wanna. *flail*

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/869983.html

Where am I? work Feeling... low coping Compelled listening... "Where Did the Beat Go?" - Pink Define... # adulthood, pain, stress

Last week was just hard all the way through. All the good was in direct relation/response to the hard. I'm starting this new week still feeling somewhat overwrought, feeling burned out and residually anxious.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead.

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/869736.html

Where am I? work Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... "F**kin Perfect" - P!nk Define... # amazing conversations, amazing friends, amazing people, calli, cuddles, gamer girl, love, music, relationships, sensuality, social

I've posted about my experience of and defining of love over at my audience facing blog, The Conversationalist:

On Love

This one's been percolating for a while now, I think it's come together how I wanted it to, it's one of those posts that only casts a glimpse, it cannot (and isn't intended to) capture in entirety this idea of 'love'. Merely... add to it. Draw attention to it. Help it be bigger and have space for all of us.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/868660.html

Where am I? home Feeling... pleased Compelled listening... "The Last Snowfall" - Vienna Teng Define... # love

Last week was thinky and about feelings. Also about going out and rites of passage - a mixed bag but overall taking the good and running with it! I can't be me and do otherwise...

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead.

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/868393.html

Where am I? bed Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... Pink's new album 'The Truth About Love' Define... # feminism, learning, love, reading, reflection, relationships, sharing, social, speculative fiction

I find myself unusually teary over clothes tonight. Though truth is, I've been feeling wibbly and wobbly about clothes for a week or so. Mainly because, there are 2 events I want to go to, one was last week, one is this week. And... I just find myself despairing of having anything to wear.

They are specific events, and the dressing up code is in the vein of goth/bdsm. I have a couple of pieces of clothing. Essentially one outfit of awesome. Which I wore last week. And now I find myself wondering... what do I wear on Thursday?

I could wear the same outfit... surely it's not the worst idea in the world, surely that would be not going at all when I've been looking forward to it...

I'm uncomfortable with my vanity in this way - I will be with those I love, who make my knees wibbly and I want to feel pretty and I want to enjoy their admiration and feel like we're all going out together etc. Somehow I feel like I will be less pretty in the same outfit so soon, the second time around.

And then, caitlen sent me this blog post: Cups Runneth Over: Love, Lifestyle, and Clothing Tips for Large-Busted Ladies, and it is a love letter to your body and though it is directed primarily to those of us with large busts, it does not ever or in any way denigrate people with busts that are not 'large' (however one defines such a thing).

I love that about this post.

I don't find it comforting or supportive when a blog or speaker says something about a particular body type being valid, worthy of value and respect, while marginalising a different body shape.

But as such things can do, it stirred up and showed me all the ways in which I'd been judging myself and struggling against myself, being mean to myself invisibly. And there was also less of that judgement going on than I expected. And instead the other thing I noticed was how often I'd come home disappointed trying to buy something specific, some kind of outfit or piece of clothing. And my choices are involve ugly plus size clothing that looks awful on me, or gorgeous plus size clothing that still works entirely against me because I'm still petite in my roundness. And most plus size clothing seems to be made for people who have a bigger stature than I do - it's not just a length/height thing.

Also, fuck you minimiser bras in ugly colours and patterns. And fuck you awesome pretty bras that don't come in my size. Sometimes I want really supportive and comfortable bras that I can wear all day. Sometimes I want really pretty items to wear just because I want to go on a date. Sometimes I'd like to combine those elements and not feel like I'm losing out to my slimmer, and smaller busted companions.

I can't really pretend I wish that I had more clothes or even more event-appropriate clothes for the event last Friday and the one this Thursday. I've been a student, I've been working intermittently, and I've had much more important things to put my income into, like bills and taking care of my family and so on. But it wouldn't hurt if it were somewhat easier to find things that weren't *awful* on me :(

So while I'm whiny about not having anything to wear, I can't fault how I ended up in this position. And that does remind me to actually be grateful for everything.

Also, despite my fretfulness in wanting to look pretty for Ral, Fox, and Adam... they're going to love and appreciate me anyway. And I can deal at that point... other than myself, they're the only opinions I'm choosing to let matter in any case.

But I think I might reread that post another few dozen times. And maybe get some handholding to re-go through my clothes yet again and see if I can't unfuck my wardrobe and clear out any underlying crap about this in my head - at least what's there to be found in having been stirred up by this post.

It is truly awesome, even though right now I'm just sad about it all. Things are better financially than they have been and we're mostly recovered from the varied not workingness and studentyness and illnesses and so on and so forth between K, Cam and I, so there should be more potential to maybe add some awesome pieces to my wardrobe that aren't just for work (which is pretty much the only clothes I've bought recently with one or two exceptions).

I didn't really expect it, but I do feel better for writing this...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/868144.html

Where am I? home Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... nil Define... # clothes, dressing up, reflection, self analysis, sharing, thoughtful

I think that one of the reasons that my reflection happens between Sunday night and Monday is that in my head, the weekend is not something that starts the week, but something I spend the week looking forward to. Insight. I has it. And a chicken post, I has that too! Let's do this.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead.

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/867873.html

Where am I? work Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "Step Into the Light" - Darren Hayes Define... # love, reflection, relationships, sharing, social

The week is over now and it is Monday night. I'm not sure why this past week ends tonight, but I'm going to run with it rather than trying to do this tomorrow. Reflections on the week past, I has them.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!

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All the good of the past week has been the wonderfulness of friends and spending time, of loves loving me and making me feel special and cared for. I needed the care and the energy and the company and it made what was otherwise looking like an awful week into a week where the good far outweighed the hard.

Now that I've written this, maybe I can settle down and sleep. Downside of flu meds is I find it a little harder to sleep (also getting the timing between doses right).

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/866856.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... sick Compelled listening... "Darkness" - Disturbed Define... # amazing conversations, amazing friends, amazing moments, love, movies, reflection, sharing, social, spending time

Some lightheartedness and emphasising of connectionism. You are all of value and importance to me, and if you feel like joining in the meme, you're very welcome.

P.S. I know it says do the meme too, but please feel free to do this or not as you please, you're welcome to comment even if you don't wish to repost.

Comment and I will ...

1. Tell you why I friended you. If I remember.
2. Associate you with something.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a character/pairing.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favourite userpic of yours.
8. Tell you that you must post this in your own journal.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/866753.html

Where am I? home Feeling... sick Compelled listening... nil Define... # friendship, meme, sharing

Happened upon a little rabbit hole of interesting blog posts. [abjective][species] is a new blog that I've started reading in recent months but it's one I'm *really* enjoying.

Today I'm having a geek-tastic and delighted reaction to what is an indepth discussion on language, it's importance for how it affects our thinking and what is revealed about us in our speaking.

Why Language Is Important
(note this may be triggery for some people, with a language example used referencing paedophilia).

Doxa
Doxa and the invisible assumptions around culture that in many ways power what is 'normal' and 'ordinary' in our daily lives.

Plus, a bonus from one of the comments that is a speech from David Foster Wallace about the idea being taught how to think - not in a surface way but in a way that strengthens and grows our awareness about our thinking and the different ways that we can make meaning and how we choose do that.

Participation Mystique and a follow up post Participation Mystique - On Words on how we define a fandom or subculture orany group. How does identification work and how do you draw a line in some way around things that are consistently subjective. What makes something part of a subculture as apart from merely coincidentally associated with one?

One of the ways in which I am geeky is through language and the way is such a huge and fascinating landscape about how our world works, how we work in the world and how we all get along (or not). This presses all my buttons that are interested in cultural aspects of society and putting the invisible and ordinary under scrutiny alongside that which is usually othered and poked at incessently. Sure I'm interested in all the things that mark me as 'other' (and there many) but, I'm more interested in what aspects or thinking around things defines them as 'normal' and 'ordinary'.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/866153.html

Where am I? work Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... "I Turn to You" - Melanie C Define... # geekery, language, links, sharing, thoughtful

The week is over and begins anew today... I'm tired as, and it's half in a good way and half in a crappy way, but overall I'm in very high spirits.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/865286.html

Where am I? work Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "God Walking Into the Room" - Darren Hayes Define... # amazing conversations, amazing friends, love, reflection, self growth, sharing

Dearest 16-year-old-Ju,

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/865268.html

Where am I? home Feeling... loving Compelled listening... "What Makes You Beautiful" - Piano Guys (5 guys 1 piano) Define... # love, personal, sharing, trust, vulnerability

Really. I am so glad I know you all :3

Your support and care, delight and reassurance makes sharing and speaking aloud all the scary and hard and emotional things so worthwhile.

I hope you know I'm listening out for you too.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/864795.html

Where am I? work Feeling... ecstatic Compelled listening... "Many Shades of Black" - Adele Define... # amazing friends, sharing

I'm not sure how to talk about being furry... for myself I'm pretty happy about it! Something else about me makes more sense to me, and I'm pretty delighted by the culmination of my thinking and feeling my way through this. Many thanks in particular to Moonvoice and Hipikat for handholding and talking through All The Things.

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/864528.html

Where am I? home Feeling... anxious Compelled listening... nil Define... # identity, self growth, self image, sharing, vulnerability

Further to what I mentioned about being misunderstood in my Chicken post, there's another thing that I wanted to talk about because I'm sad about it and struggling in this area.

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This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/864012.html

Where am I? work Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... "Runnin'" - Adam Lambert Define... # motivation, responsibility, sharing, thoughtful

This week finished yesterday, but I was too exhausted to write this up, so it's a Monday Chicken! Last week was all kinds of lovely actually, the hard was minimally impactful, and mostly of the variety that also has good associated with it.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!

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That's the chicken for this week - mostly squishy thoughts/feelings based rather than events based. Definitely more good than hard. But definitely feeling like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend :P Here's to the week ahead...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863957.html

Where am I? work Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... "Light Falls Away" - Adam Lambert Define... # amazing conversations, amazing friends, gender, kaneda, love, making a difference, moments to remember, poly, relationships, self growth, sharing, transcendence

I'm thinking that maybe it could be useful to develop somekind of Transcendancing User Manual.

Because, perhaps it would be useful to have answers available for the people in my life rather than hoping or expecting them to figure it out in bits and pieces.

I am the expert in me afterall (actually there are a couple of other experts too... Kaneda, Dilettantiquity and Callistra to name three).

I've read at least one that someone produced as part of being poly and having a variety of different shaped connections and relationships (something I have in common with this person).

Also, I seem to predominantly connect with people who relate to the world vastly differently to myself and so Actions/Answers/Care Instructions/Triggers are unlikely to be particularly obvious.

Also, I have to imagine that in the process of *writing* such a thing, that I would gain further self-insight and learning... something that I'm always interested in.

I expect that a Transcendancing User Manual would be something of a quirky creation balanced with surface useful comments and observations, deeper insight (short cuts!) into self amongst other things...

What would you put in an instruction manual about yourself? What would you find useful to read in an instruction manual for someone you cared about?

Things I could think of that may be useful off the top of my head:

* Often wakes cheerful/chirpy, especially if company and cuddles are involved
* Does not need coffee/tea to be functional first thing, however such beverages are a delight and provision of such translates directly as ~love~.
* Additionally, providing similar beverages to you is also primarily about ~love~, though ulterior motives for functionality may be involved.
* Loves cooked breakfast foods, but isn't actually all that good at eating breakfast and will prioritise snuggling/play time over breakfast.
* Promising a return to bed and snuggling/play is an easy way to negotiate a breakfast break.

These are all morning/sleep over related notes, but they're also true (and recent/current examples).

Other topics I can think of to cover:

* television watching fidelity
* horror movie watching negotiations and hard limits
* food notes
* connection/affirmation/reassurance
* how to provide comfort handholding
* hobby sharing/swapping potential
* key contacts in the event of...
* relationship constellation mindmap and FAQ

Kind of playful and fun as an idea, but also something with potential for usefulness too...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863640.html

Where am I? work Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... "Outlaws of Love" - Adam Lambert Define... # self analysis, sharing

I hate the assessment plans for this unit - really hate them. I hated it more when I thought that we weren't being asked to use academic references in our fieldwork exercises. Turns out that the instructions were just unclear and they *do* want academic references.

I am just of the *not* caring. I bet that I could pass this unit without managing a single real reference since everything else is otherwise of an above average standard. I won't do this of course, I actually enjoy the research/referencing bit of things generally.

I just hate feeling like the assesssment I'm doing is pointless and not going to actually leave me with a deeper understanding/analytical appreciation for whatever the thing is.

How can a unit on new media technologies be so disappointing as to inspire me to a state of resentment previously reserved only for that introduction to community development unit that sarren and I suffered through...

The lack of caring I have is a red flag for me because it's that kind of thing that leads to poor performance on my part. I need to be mindful of this because it's the opposite of what I'm personally committed to. Need to combat the resentment/apathy (so not like me).

Will try for excitement about the next fieldwork exercise... it's only 1k, so it by it's size won't be particularly in depth for analysis or criticality but it could still be fun... *is intentional*

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863473.html

Where am I? work Feeling... blah Compelled listening... "Nirvana" - Adam Lambert Define... # blah, study, university

I've blogged about Sharing 'The Silver Brumby' by Elyne Mitchell over at The Conversationalist for those who might be interested :)

This was my absolute favourite childhood book (and series) as a child, and if you've never read it I hope you'll consider picking it up.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863155.html

Where am I? home Feeling... cheerful Compelled listening... nil Define... # books, reading, sharing

A change I've been meaning to make for years...

Define... # names

(Trigger warning: discussion of suicide prevention)







Last night I had the privilege of attending the Living Proud Gender Diversity Forum. Living Proud is an initiative coordinated by Gay and Lesbian Community Services (GLCS) as part of the OneLife WA Suicide Prevention Strategy. The aim is the development of a Community Action Plan directly for the benefit of addressing the needs of the WA GLBTIQA community in relation to the prevention of suicide.

Last night as part of this project, we heard from a range of speakers in relation to their experiences of gender diversity. There were a range of stories and a range of ways in which these people identified themselves in the spectrum of gender diversity. I was moved several times.

Being able to hear from these people last night came at a particularly useful time in my life as I've just recently had become aware of my own experience of non-binary gender identification. I've not been anxious in my questioning but I have floundered wondering if my experiences were 'real' if they 'counted'.

I am a liminal person in the queer community. Despite my intensely queer identity, I have at times been unwelcome or excluded from being involved because of a perception around not being queer enough. And the last thing I want to do is go through yet more of that experience of explaining/justification/exclusion/judgement. Neither do I wish to pretend that I don't have privilege in this area, I absolutely do and acknowledge this.

But I came away reassured that others understood where I was coming from, some had been in a similar place. I felt like not only was I not alone in my experience of my own gender fluidity and queerness, but that others who experience this kind of diversity more intensely or visibly than I do were supportive and welcoming and were emphatic that I and my experiences counted too.

I wish I'd experienced that kind of support and welcomeness in community around being pansexual (or even back when I was bi). Especially back when I was questioning, exploring and unsure. Thankfully I met better friends and since I still have them several years on I can gratefully speak to their amazingness for embracing and supporting me through my growing and changing.

And it appears that this growing and changing with identity is still going on. There's been a lot of it happening this year and I'm still falling in love with the person I get to be, all over again. I hope I am always in the position of doing this, it is the profoundest experience of self love that I can articulate.

I love my female shape, my female identity, I don't feel out of place with that at all. But I also experience a strong association with other body shapes and gender identities. If I had the opportunity to live in the future with magic science, I wouldn't ever settle on one gender and instead would move between gender identities and physicality based on my inner sense of self. Unfortunately, I don't live in the future with magic science. And, while I love my female shape and body, I swear sometimes I can almost feel other body experiences, and I imagine them vividly. That they are imagined is sometimes intensely disappointing, though I am mostly able accept the limitations of science.

As with most things about myself and my personality, I am never just one space... the fluidity is constant even though at this point in time I don't expect that I will have any issues around presentation or pronouns (perhaps if I lived in the future we'd all use gender neutral pronouns and while those make the most sense to me, I'm still comfortable with my 30 ish years of female pronouns).

Obviously this is all intensely personal and difficult to write and I ask for your gentleness. I'm writing it unlocked and openly for all the reasons I believe in not being silent and all the reasons why I believe in living proud and true to who I am to the best of my ability.

I believe strongly in the Living Proud initiative as part of growing and building a healthy and supportive community that continues to grow in positive ways creating space for all members with our collective diversity. I believe that this project can make a difference and if you're local in WA and interested in being involved it's worth taking a look.

Living Proud for me is getting to be the best person I can be regardless of the labels I choose or have chosen for me. I want this for everyone. Living Proud also means love, relationships, community, chosen family, family and making a difference in the world around me, reaching out to others and supporting one another. I believe it is also about celebrating equality and diversity together.

There is so much left to do, so many wrongs to address, so much hurt to heal... the ocean metaphor works in this space too. But for now I'm taking a moment to celebrate an amazing community initiative led by passionate, compassionate and wise people who truly care about making a difference in the community, about bringing us together, and about suicide prevention.

I've often not felt part of the queer community at all (see above re being liminal), but last night and the night of the project launch I felt deeply connected to the community in a way I've felt only in passing before. The project has already made a difference to me and I sincerely hope that it reaches all those who need support like this so much more than I do. I'm so profoundly glad organisations like GLCS exist doing the amazing work they're doing, and now this Living Proud project. So amazing.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/862499.html

Where am I? work Feeling... hopeful Compelled listening... "Outlaws of Love" - Adam Lambert Define... # gender, hopeful, making a difference, queer, sharing, uncertainty

Thesiswhisperer is one of the most interesting of blogs I follow via google reader, and though it primarily refers to people who are undertaking PhD work, I have found that some of the advice, some of the discussions are still relevant to me as an undergraduate. In particular, this one on feedback: Feedback from the Student Up the Back on the Left.

One of the things I've found leaves me irritated and ultimatley apathetic is the lack of useful feedback that happens on my work. Especially if it's in the distinction/high distinction range. Last in one of my units was a noticeable difference there. I still want to improve, I still want to find out where I was strongest and why. Definitely the why. I often as as student sit on the 78-83% marking range, and I'd really love to push that into the consistently 80%> range.

I realise that this is a big ask given the horrible climate for academic teaching staff, I feel bad even noting it really... and yet... I am wishful. Because I do always want to improve and push myself and reach new heights and doing that without constructive guidance is difficult. I wish that there was more support for the kind of thing I'm talking about, though I know it's just not there and is unlikely to be any time soon. I am trying to content myself with knowing I am always trying to improve, and valuing those rare times where I get the kind of feedback that really does mean I can focus my improvement efforts.

Am decidedly grateful for all the support and advice, all the editing and reading that I've had the benefit from both from teaching staff and also my amazing network. It makes a huge difference and I value it deeply.

And yet I still feel capable of so much more...

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/862278.html

Where am I? work Feeling... thoughtful Compelled listening... "Underneath" - Adam Lambert Define... # study, thoughtful, university

It's interesting how depending on the week at hand, the point at which the week feels 'finished' changes... and thus I guess that's why the timing for my Friday Chicken changes... but here I am and right now, here on Sunday night. The week is winding down. And so, here is this week's chicken. It's been a 'Week' so be gentle on me, kind readers.

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!

( Chickening beneath the cutCollapse )

That's it for this week's chicken. The week ahead looks promising and I'm hoping not to miss Ral and Fox too much. I get to spend more time snuggling Hipikat which I'm delighted about. Also coffee with a new friend and a week of unknown possibility. I'm excited by that and it's a nice thing to go to sleep to.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/862095.html

Where am I? home in bed Feeling... tired Compelled listening... "Did You Need It" - Adam Lambert Define... # amazing conversations, amazing friends, connectionism, love, moments, pets, relationships, sharing, transcendence

I did actually feel immediately better for ranting the other day. Plus, the day in question ended up being far more gentle on me than I'd anticipated. Good things.

I don't want to pre-empt my chicken post, but other good things I thought I'd share that are directly relevant to the hard...

* Conversations this week have been amazing.

* Support from my loves and chosen family has been incredible.

* Work is going better with these documents I'm doing, I seem to have broken through the hardest bit where I don't know what I'm doing, but am managing to do it anyway.

* I have the most incredible people to love in my life. I really do. And most of them I've had the opportunity to connect with in small or large ways this week and that has also helped with dealing with the hard.

* I had a full night's sleep last night and it was glorious. I'm aiming to repeat the experience tonight. I am in fact, about to go to bed and wind down.

* Conversation with MrBooboo tonight prompted a significant realisation for me that I'm not quite ready to talk about. I'm still processing it and need to talk it through a bit more.

* I'm still finding that listening to my Adam Lambert playlist is bringing me a lot of joy. In particular I'm loving 'Outlaws of Love' and 'Light Falls Away' (amongst a whole lot of others).

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/861939.html

Where am I? home Feeling... tired Compelled listening... "Outlaws of Love" - Adam Lambert Define... # connectionism, love, poly, relationships, sharing

I’ve woken grumpy and overwrought and I should just give in to the desire to rant about a few things, excise the crappiness to make room for the good.

( So, in no particular order things I am presently having grumpy or fist shaking experiences with:Collapse )

There. I think I’m done with the grumping and ranting and whining. *breathes*

There’s a lot of good too, the balance is actually there, but sleep deprivation and being emotionally drained means that the intensity and contrast is sharp – like a picture that isn’t quite comfortable to view because the colours are too bright, the lines too sharp. Also, getting rid of the muck means that I can float gently in the awareness of the good surrounding instead of it being obscured by all the crap.

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/861445.html

Where am I? work Feeling... grumpy Compelled listening... "Better Than I Know Myself" - Adam Lambert Define... # grump, rant

Sorry for the delay in linking, I've only just returned to my laptop!

There's some amazing reading in this month's carnival, in particular the beautifully candid and personal posts that people have written for my theme 'Personal Positives'. Several of you on my friends list have been linked within too, so please go and take a look and enjoy the bounty!

Presenting the 51st Down Under Feminists' Carnival

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/861050.html

Because illness meant I didn't really feel like there was much to say, though that was definitely not true :P And yet now I'm here, it's hard to start. So I shall just... start...

Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!

( Chickening beneath the cutCollapse )

This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/860900.html

Where am I? work Feeling... tired Compelled listening... nil Define... # dot points, sharing, update